I want to punch myself in the face. To give myself a black eye. There is a kind of lacking there, in the eyesocket, that would do well with a purple (to match my new shoes) mark around it. Blinking would be painful, but it's painful with a headache and I get loads of those so hardly a major detraction.
Explaining it at work, also difficult. I would want to be honest "I punched myself in the face." But I think that would raise more questions than it answers, eh? I think I'd be carted off to occy health sharpish if I did that. And I don't want sympathy. As ever I just want the external pain to match the internal. I've never been beaten up and I suppose some part of me feels like it was an inevitability that never happened. I should have been hit and bruised and broken by a fist rather than some unfortunate experiences.
It's such a hard thing to explain, too. Why would you want to do that to yourself?
I know I've gone over this 'desire to self-harm' thing before. It's the most concrete thing, when I'm at my lowest, that's what I want. A physical marker.
Incidentally, I just googled 'want to punch myself in the face' and all that came up were rants about things like insurance and homework. Sam Smith's 'Money on My Mind' does, as it goes, make me want to punch myself in the face.
They might accept that as a valid excuse, come to think of it.
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